04.16.09

vaginas, guinea pigs, and 15 years of “experience”

It started just like any other day. I woke up, had some breakfast, and took a look at my to-do list.  Item number one: schedule a Brazilian wax with Kim.  So I called.  And the receptionist was all nonchalant with her “oh, actually, Kim no longer works here.”

Before falling to the floor in dramatic agony, I managed to squeal “Um, what the fuck did you say?”  And this receptionist is all “she’s pursuing another career path, but I’d be happy to set up an appointment for you with Laura, she’s taking over most of Kim’s clients.”

Okay, first of all?  What career path is she pursuing?  What’s the natural next step after waxing vaginas?  Secondly, WHY DIDN’T SHE CALL ME TO LET ME KNOW?  Okay we’re not best friends or anything, but SHE DOES STUFF TO MY VAGINA.  I guess the fact that our entire relationship is based on money and vagina (woah, if this is a game of six degrees of prostitution, I’m only one degree away) means that maybe I think we’re closer than we really are?  I don’t know.

So anyway, this new chick, I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me and yet I’m not more than two steps in the door and she’s calling me “love” and “baby” and telling me she’s going to take good care of me.  Which makes me question whether this Brazilian wax will come with a happy ending.  For a minute, I can’t decide if I’m horrified or potentially interested, but then she calls me “baby” again and I scoot toward horrified.

I mean listen, I totally get the use of generic pet names.  I do it, I call everyone “hun,” but I figure it’s acceptable because when I say it, I’m not TWO INCHES FROM THEIR VAGINA.

So she starts in on the waxing, which is fine at first, no more or less painful than normal.  Until suddenly, it’s a LOT more painful than normal, she’s making concerned clicking noises with her tongue, and I look down and see that there’s an enormous patch of wax stuck to my skin.  Just… stuck there, and she’s trying frantically to remove it, but.. no go.

Time goes by, lots and lots of time, and the wax isn’t going anywhere.  Whatever the hell she’s doing is certainly painful, but also ineffective.  The wax is stuck, my skin is swelling, and her apology includes something about it being a brand new kind of wax, which is a horseshit excuse because if that’s the case lady, maybe you should have tried it on your own goddamn vagina first.  MY VAGINA IS NOT YOUR GUINEA PIG.

After that, she spent the rest of the appointment hunched over, trying to remove the seemingly permanent wax while muttering about how “this has never ever happened in her 15 years of waxing vaginas.” Which comforted me about as much as someone saying, “well, we’ve killed your dog and stolen all your money, but here’s a grape flavored lollipop.”  BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK LIKES THE GRAPE ONES??

Luckily, after the better part of my life had passed me by on that damn table, she was able to get the wax off, but by that point my skin was having such a bad reaction to it that we couldn’t continue.  So I was forced to leave with HALF A WAXED VAGINA.

HALF A WAXED VAGINA!!!

Oh, and to answer the inevitable questions: no, I certainly didn’t pay for this and yes, I’ve since had it redone and my vagina looks just lovely, thanks.

{ 69 comments… read them below or add one }

Lily April 16, 2009 at 6:10 pm

I'm not even sure how to react to this except to thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. And thanks for the reminder to make an appt, except NOW I AM SCARED SHITLESS.

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Ellen April 16, 2009 at 6:12 pm

OMG. I have an appt. tonight for my Brazilian and although it's certainly not my first, I'm a little freaked out. Geeeez! Thank God it was able to come off!

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Paul April 16, 2009 at 6:13 pm

I like grape lollipops. So, I'm sure everyone is wondering… which half did she finish?

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nicoleisbetter April 16, 2009 at 6:17 pm

Oh Paul, I WISH it were that simple. It wasn't like "left half vs. right half", it was like… some was done and some wasn't? Very willy-nilly. Very hilarious. Except not at all hilarious because it's MY vagina.

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Lily April 16, 2009 at 6:18 pm

ahh… patchwork.

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deutlich April 16, 2009 at 6:19 pm

Oh, YIKES!

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Julie Q April 16, 2009 at 6:20 pm

ouch. that, and you are going to get such a craptastic group of randos visiting your blog with some interesting google searches ;)

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camels & chocolate April 16, 2009 at 6:21 pm

Ohhhh my gosh. Not fun! I dread my monthly Brazilian, and this would make it so much worse!

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Lydia April 16, 2009 at 6:21 pm

Hilarious, I feel as if I know you so well when in reality I have no idea who you are, other than a great writer who had an irritated vagina! Glad you got that half & half problem taken care of; I'm impressed you were willing to try again!

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apricot tea. April 16, 2009 at 6:22 pm

Oh wow. Your experience sounded a lot like my first… except mine was A LOT more painful, & completely unexpected.

You poor thing. :[ I'm glad to know you didn't pay for that; I wouldn't have either.

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Jackie April 16, 2009 at 6:22 pm

And that is why I will never ever get waxed. Ever. I'm going to print this story out and show it to every future boyfriend I have that asks me to get waxed. Because sure, I may cut myself shaving but at least I dont get a candle stuck to my good girl.

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ashley.star April 16, 2009 at 6:23 pm

You are amazing and I love this post so very, very much.

So very much. :)

I haven't had much time to read blogs lately – and yours is seriously my fav. LOVE.

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thatShortChick April 16, 2009 at 11:24 am

Um, oh wow. This kind of situation is exactly why I have never gotten a “professional” brazilian.

I’ll just continue to handle my own lady parts.

And btw, I totally dig grape lollipops.

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Andrea April 16, 2009 at 6:27 pm

Holy shit, Man.

I don't really know what else to say.

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nicoleisbetter April 16, 2009 at 6:29 pm

You can say, "wow, I'm glad I didn't have to have sex with you that night."

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Badass Geek April 16, 2009 at 6:32 pm

I can't help but thinking that "waxed vagina" sounds like some form of fruit or something.

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rs27 April 16, 2009 at 6:52 pm

I eat the grape ones.

Also I applaud you for your perserverance. For Man's sake.

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emily April 16, 2009 at 7:08 pm

that is horrifying.

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Amber April 16, 2009 at 7:49 pm

Hahahaha. That is why I've never had a bikini wax and I never will!!

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Shaba April 16, 2009 at 7:57 pm

the answer is no one.
no one likes the grape ones.

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becca faith April 16, 2009 at 7:58 pm

this is reminiscent of a little story i like to call "the accidental brazilian," which involves me, a hangover, an as-yet-unsipped venti iced red eye, and iris nails on b'way at 10th st. i was being flipped over like a pancake and encouraged (via mime) to "doggy-style, you know?" before i even knew what was happening.

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Matt April 16, 2009 at 8:01 pm

Me!!!!

I eat the grape ones!

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katelin April 16, 2009 at 8:48 pm

this is seriously one of my biggest fears. hence why i do not wax,i'm such a wuss.

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Keely April 16, 2009 at 2:08 pm

This reminds me a lot of the time I tried to Brazilian wax my OWN vagina… It was very bad as you can imagine! Having bald patches down there isn’t too sexy…

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Allison Blass April 16, 2009 at 9:26 pm

Oy vey. I found my waxer on Yelp.com. Top rated and it was wonderful. If anyone here lives in NYC, try Shobha. AWESOME. It hurts, but not too bad. It's done in like 15 minutes. I haven't had the same girl twice, but I've been 3 times now (1 in midtown, and twice in Soho) and I'm definitely a fan.

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nicoleisbetter April 17, 2009 at 6:11 pm

Yes! Shoba! Seriously, I love living in California but my vagina is like "PLEASE MOVE BACK TO NYC."

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Meeks April 16, 2009 at 9:29 pm

Wtf. You get wax off with oil. She should have known that after "15 years of experience." I'm horrified for you. And yeah – go to Yelp and read reviews. I found my chick that way and she's awesome. Please tell me you didn't pay them a dime or that they paid you some kind of compensation.

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Casual Perfectionist April 16, 2009 at 9:37 pm

Oh NO. Yikes!

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Joy @ BigTimeFancy April 16, 2009 at 10:20 pm

You have effectively scared me away from vagina waxing.

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Paula April 16, 2009 at 10:44 pm

I didn't know whether to laugh or wince at this story. So I did both.

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Lindsay April 16, 2009 at 10:44 pm

Um the ONE time I had to schedule with someone other than my regular person she butchered me as well. I am terrified because I know MY girl does a great job, but who knows about these Aussies! What if they don't use blue wax! Ah! Anyway, I have felt your pain, and it did not feel good. Glad your vagina is looking good!

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Jacqueline April 16, 2009 at 11:21 pm

Brazilians are the way to go, unless you find yourself at the mercy of an incompetent waxing rookie. I had a similar experience once and was none too pleased.

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Nora April 17, 2009 at 12:17 am

Talk about a sticky situation!
And yes, I like grape lollipops. Hello?!?! Who Doesn't?! Really.

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Princess Pointful April 17, 2009 at 12:31 am

Ha, related to Keely's comment above. I, too, tried to brazilian wax myself, and had to rock 'The Polka Dot'. So not sexy.

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hazel April 17, 2009 at 1:26 am

haha. a half-waxed vag? awful!

hopefully it doesnt scare you away from future vag waxes!

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A Super Girl April 17, 2009 at 1:52 am

I like the grape ones!

And, this just reaffirms my choice not to wax that particular area.

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Rachel April 17, 2009 at 2:15 am

oh i love you for this. i just had mine done the day before yesterday and thankfully… it was FAR lessdramatic. what better occasion than my new found singledom than a freshly waxed vag.

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NSC April 17, 2009 at 3:27 am

Wow I have had some bad waxes in the past, but yours takes the cake!

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beetee April 17, 2009 at 4:10 am

Oh dear God. I know nothing of vagina waxing, and now I just have a reason to never concern myself with it. Ever. My legs are crossed in horror and I don't think I'll be able to stand for a little bit.

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nomadic matt April 17, 2009 at 5:09 am

i now know too much about your vagina

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Nicole April 17, 2009 at 12:38 pm

Oh, owwwww….

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Bridget April 17, 2009 at 2:14 pm

JESUS ON THE CROSS. just the thought of a swollen vagina made me involuntarily grab my vagina with both of my hands which, when you're sitting in the middle of an office surrounded by people, is kind of awkward.

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Megan April 17, 2009 at 3:05 pm

I hate the grape lollipops.

I bet that was MORE than awkward.

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chasingparadise April 17, 2009 at 3:46 pm

Aside from wondering (of course) what the next career path after vagina waxer IS exactly, I'm stuck wondering what leads people to waxing vaginas in the first place? It's along the same line of thoughts that I have when I left my gynecologist's office once a year…wondering "hmm…why would someone want to stare at vaginas every day, all day?" I mean really!

On another (somewhat related) note, I'm very curious about brazilians. I've never been waxed…not even my eyebrows. I've contemplated having it done for my wedding, but I'm guessing I should try my eyebrows then my bikini line or legs or something first, eh? Oh who am I kidding? I'll NEVER get waxed! I'm the world's biggest wuss when it comes to pain! haha

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Peter April 17, 2009 at 3:59 pm

"MY VAGINA IS NOT YOUR GUINEA PIG."

If I had a nickel for every time I've… heard…

Never mind.

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nicoleisbetter April 17, 2009 at 6:12 pm

Hahaha, are you performing inadequate Brazilian waxes on unsuspecting ladies over there??

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Mishi April 17, 2009 at 4:27 pm

Omg. OMG OMG OMG. That was scary on so many levels.

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freckledk April 17, 2009 at 5:42 pm

Oh, you poor thing! I once had to leave before a full wax-job was over, and walked out with a goatee surrounding all my most important bits. I call it The Stone Cold Steve Austin.

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Shanda April 17, 2009 at 6:34 pm

Which makes me question whether this Brazilian wax will come with a happy ending. <<You are so funny!!! I love your blog btw, I've been a fan for a long while.

So I'm interested in getting a Brazilian one day soon…um, how painful is it?

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-Je April 17, 2009 at 11:20 pm

Hahaha! Such a great story! I'm super glad your vagina still looks pretty…

Oh, and p.s. YOU WON MY BLOG GIVEAWAY!! Send me your address via whatjesaid@gmail.com and you've got an orgasmic copy coming your way!

Happy Friday!

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Larissa April 18, 2009 at 5:12 am

I've never had a Brazilian wax. THAT is why.

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tia April 18, 2009 at 5:47 am

oh. my. god.

i'm…horrified.

poor vag.

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gemma April 19, 2009 at 6:35 pm

shit man, i was thinking about doing this for the first time ever for cuba. but i'm so scared.

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S.A. April 19, 2009 at 9:59 pm

Umm….that sounds extremely painful. I know now to never get a Brazilian bikini wax.

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leandra April 20, 2009 at 4:45 am

hahahaha! the story itself is not so funny. the way you tell it is. i will be back.

i'm glad your vagina now looks how you want it to. :)

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Maxie April 20, 2009 at 7:54 pm

ouch ouch ouch… this is just another reason for me to never get waxed down there.

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Jess April 20, 2009 at 9:16 pm

OMG thank GOD you didn't post this until AFTER my first brazilian experience. Jesus.

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E.P. April 20, 2009 at 9:25 pm

You have NO idea how happy it makes me that you just wrote an entire post about vagina waxing without going into the gory details. I've had an experience similar to this one, and it scarred me. Unfortunately, no one else in my small, small town does Brazilians…

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Emma April 23, 2009 at 9:00 pm

hahahhahaha..

Thats so fucked up and yet fantastic.. thanks for sharing.
The day just doesn't seem so bad anymore. ;-)
Hope your Vagina is well and wonderful.

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Katie April 27, 2009 at 11:04 pm

Look, it's not my fault that you looked at me "THAT WAY" when you walked into the door. As soon as you came in, I knew you were there for ME. When you signed in, you dotted your 'i' in nicole with a heart. Clearly, you wanted me.

Oh, and I purposely waxed half of your vagina. I've maimed you. It'll always grow back in weird ways now.

From,
Kim's Client Taker

…Seriously. What a psycho.

You suck.

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Mara J. May 8, 2009 at 3:08 pm

"My vagina is not your guinea pig" is perhaps the greatest quote of the year. You deserve an award.

I was considering trying a Brazilian wax, but after reading your post, I find myself reconsidering…..

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The Stabbing Pen May 27, 2009 at 10:01 pm

Nah, you don't need to wax. Just keep it trimmed, smooth, and smelling nice. :) YOU BROUGHT IT UP.

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Cafe Observer August 9, 2009 at 3:42 am

To ask the inevitable question: are you still coming to Laura?

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Rich DeMatteo November 25, 2009 at 9:48 pm

Another reason I'm glad to be a man.

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Veronica December 10, 2009 at 12:34 am

You're right. The grape lollipops suck.

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Deborah December 31, 2009 at 10:09 pm

The vagina (from Latin vagĭna, literally "sheath" or "scabbard") is a fibromuscular tubular tract leading from the uterus to the exterior of the body in female placental mammals and marsupials, or to the cloaca in female birds, monotremes, and some reptiles. Female insects and other invertebrates also have a vagina, which is the terminal part of the oviduct. The Latinate plural (rarely used in English) is vaginae.

The word vagina is quite often incorrectly used to refer to the vulva or female genitals generally; strictly speaking, the vagina is a specific internal structure.

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bruce February 20, 2010 at 12:58 am

holy lemon! (i just read your roommates post).
but at least you now have a bald cookie.

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Kaity March 22, 2010 at 10:53 pm

I tried it myself the first time and it was awful. I only got part of it done so I feel for the half-waxed position you were in. Being my stubborn self, I tried it again and managed to finish it. After that I did the normal thing and booked an appointment. $40 dollars and 10 minutes later I was done, except she didn't do all of it! In my book a brazilian is back to front and everything in between, in hers it didn't include underneath and further… ahem, behind. I do it myself all the time now. I think it helps that I'm stubborn and cheap.

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jon.C April 7, 2010 at 12:57 pm

i dont have a vagina to wax… thank god.

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