I’d like to preface this post with the following statement: GETTING PULLED OVER BY A COP IN REAL LIFE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE IT IS IN THE FUCKING MOVIES.
Initially, I didn’t even know that I was being pulled over, since it was my first time, but when I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the cop on his motorcycle, lights all flashy flashy in my eyes, I screamed, cursed, and decided that pulling over was better than potentially ending up on the 5:00 news.
But here’s the thing: I didn’t mean to be on my cell phone. I mean I did, obviously, because I called her, but the phone was literally only in my hand for a fucking SECOND before I pressed the speakerphone button and put it down on the passenger seat.
And yet apparently, in California, one second of touching your phone equals a $120 ticket. A HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLAR TICKET.
The cop who pulled me over was nice enough- well, as nice as you can possibly be when you’re a big douchy asshole who gives someone a HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLAR TICKET for something that isn’t nearly as dangerous as eating a sandwich while driving. And yet that’s perfectly legal and I see people basically eating five course dinners in their car while simultaneously masturbating and putting on mascara all the fucking time.
So I saw the flashy lights, pulled over, rolled down my window, and we chatted for a bit, the cop and I. And by “chatted,” I mean I desperately tried to bat my eyelashes at him and make him feel bad that it’s almost my birthday and I’ve “never ever been pulled over before in my whole life ever I promise amen,” but that shit got me NOWHERE. I even gave him the “if-you-ask-nicely-for-a-peek-at-my-nipples-in-exchange-for-a-warning-I’ll-totally-do-it-and-by-the-way-I-have-great-nipples” face, but… nothing.
Which brings us back to the fact that getting pulled over by a cop in real life is absolutely nothing like it is in the movies (porno or otherwise) and I’m now completely convinced that either I’m not as cute as I think I am, or the cop was gayer than a box of Elton John shaped rainbows.
I’m hoping for the latter.