Here’s a fun fact about me. Actually no, it’s not as much fun as it is horrifying, but it’s a fact nonetheless so I’m just going to roll with it.
Fact: I’ve never been on a real date.
I know right?
Because being in your 20s in 2009 means growing up in the land of the never ending casual hookup, which goes something like this:
Meet a guy. Usually through a mutual friend. Or at a party. Or at work. Or in class. Check each other out. Do the eye contact thing. Do the chatting thing. The flirting thing. Get asked to hang out, but not alone. Meet up with him at a party, with mutual friends, in a group. Drink. Keep talking. Laugh. Get to know each other. Really hit it off. Exchange numbers.
Spend the rest of the weekend wondering if he’s going to call. Think about calling him first. Stumble over what the hell the rules are with this kind of thing. Sigh, frustrated that there are rules. Check your email. See that he friend requested you on Facebook. Jump around excitedly. Accept the request. Spend the next hour stalking him. Realize that before his first phone call, you already know what his exes look like. Decide that you wish he would have called you instead. Shut off the computer. Stomp around.
See him on campus on Monday. Or at work. Or having lunch with a mutual friend. Wave. Hug. Chat about the rest of your weekend. Hope he’s going to try for more formal plans. Feel crushed when he doesn’t. Wait to hear from him. Bitch about the rules some more. Stalk him on Facebook. Bitch. Stalk. Repeat.
Thursday comes around. Your phone beeps: text message. It’s him! Jump around excitedly. “What’s up?” he wants to know. You text back. You tell him what’s up. He tells you that his friend’s band is playing this weekend. He asks if you want to meet up and check it out. You say yes.
You meet up. In a group. Concert. Drinks. Back to his friend’s place for an after-party. Everyone’s a little sloppy. He kisses you. You jump around excitedly (on the inside). You kiss back. Weeks go by like this. Text message. Party. Hang out in groups. Hookup late at night. Do the walk of shame. Repeat.
Realize that you’re a grown ass woman and that you’re still single. Decide that that’s horse vagina because you’re pretty awesome. Contemplate wearing a shirt that says, “I’m fucking awesome. Ask me out already.” Promise yourself that you’ll stop doing the stupid hookup thing.
Drink. Do it again. Drink and do it again. Repeat.
Watch as some of the hookups gradually turn into relationships. Feel happy. Break up. Freak out. Repeat.
Complain that guys are lazy. Wish desperately that you lived in the 1950s. Fantasize about innocent courtship. Remember that you could never deal with that much Jell-O salad. Rule out time travel as a dating technique.
Continue to meet guys. Flirt. Do the occasional random hookup, but finally stop any sort of prolonged, messy, friends-with-benefits thing. Because really? you have enough friends. And you don’t see how sleeping with them is a benefit.
Start to daydream about something better. About a guy who meets you and gets your number right away. Who calls instead of texts. Who doesn’t rely on email. Who doesn’t poke you on the stupid Facebook.
A guy who tries aggressively to get to know you. Who, once he does, isn’t afraid to admit that he’s straight up and down crazy about you. A guy who finds it endearing that you’re a raging insomniac. Who will cook you dinner, even if he’s not great in the kitchen. Who will do things other than have sex with you, even if he’s killer in bed.
A guy who will ask subtle questions about your favorite movies, and then watch them with you. Your favorite foods, and then get them for you. Your favorite time of day, and then make plans around it. A guy who doesn’t back down from your intensity. Who comes up behind you and brushes your hair to the side, kissing you on the back of the neck. A guy who doesn’t follow the damn dating rules. A guy who you can’t help falling desperately in love with.
A guy who one day might grab your arm as you’re running for shelter in a thunderstorm, drop down on one knee, and say that he’s only asking for forever today, because there is nothing longer.